


i miss you

by GrayJedi11



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Sweetheart, Blood, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, i love experimenting with anxceits dynmaics, other sides vaguely mentioned, proabably grammatical errors i started typing this up while kinda drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:55:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24838798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrayJedi11/pseuds/GrayJedi11
Summary: Virgil meant to talk to Janus, but he ended up comforting him instead.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 1
Kudos: 140





	i miss you

Janus sat, gazing at the ceiling.

The sting of his wounds allowed him to breathe easy, frustration, fear, and misery held off for a while. He rubbed his thumb along the back of the razor’s body, hand lazily set on the smaller bleeding cuts. His leg was mutilated badly from the knee down, but he’d lost the energy for his thigh.

_This feeling must be perfection._

He felt free. And calm. He didn’t have anything to hide from the bathtub, the sink, or even Winston, who’d followed him inside. He stroked the cat with his unoccupied hand. It wasn’t like he could tell anyone.

About all this in general, or about the name imprinted in his skin.

Was it obsessive or creepy? Or just a reminder of his failures? Was he allowed to miss his anxious side this much?

He didn’t know.

He didn’t move as the blood dripped onto his socks. If anyone asked, which he doubted they would, he could blame it on Remus. Winston almost got some on himself as well, but Janus shoved him away.

It was nice, though. Comfort, even if from a cat, was something he desperately needed. He really needed to start taking up Remus’s commissioned cuddles.

Virgil had always been cuddly to him. At least, more than he seemed to be now. The two used to fall asleep on each other, snuggled under blankets upon blankets. Virgil was comparable to a radiator, which was wonderful for a half-snake to warm up against. Sure, Virgil hadn’t always liked what Janus did, but at least he’d understood and respected _why_ he did what he did. He was Deceit. And that had been fine, until Virgil got hurt.

God, he missed Virgil.

He looked back at his cat, who seemed eager to jump onto his lap. He abandoned the razor on the edge of the bath, blades stained slightly with red. He picked up Winston, allowing him to nuzzle his head into his neck. At least one living being loved him.

Virgil had liked Winst-

“Janus?”

It wasn’t Remus’s voice, though. It was soft and tentative, unlike the creative side’s. It couldn’t be Virgil, how could it, he-

“Janus, are you there? I came to talk to you, so if you ignore me, I’ll just leave. Doesn’t matter anyway, I know you hate me, probably… pointless.”

His voice was uncertain, Janus realized. He wasn’t surprised, though. The last time they’d properly talked had been… years ago.

“Janus-”

“I’m here.”

“Do you need a minute, or something? I mean, Remus says you’ve been in there for like, an hour.”

“I- it’s nothing to be concerned about.”

“If you say so, but usually I’d only do that if I had a panic attack or something. Hurry up if you’re gonna talk to me, I have… stuff to do.”

Janus set Winston down, taking the razor quietly to put it back in its spot. He heaved himself from his seat.

Immediate pain.

It shot through his leg the moment he put weight on it, ten times worse than the dull ebb of sitting down with it. It rendered his leg useless as he buckled from the pain, falling on the floor with a _thump_ as the razor clattered beside him.

“Janus, what the fuck was that-”

Before he could protest, the door was open, revealing to Virgil the blood, razor, and Janus. It was _his_ name, dug out in red on _Janus’s_ leg. He looked so helpless. And scared.

“Why- why would you do that?”

Virgil sank to his knees, edging closer.

“Don’t- don’t think this is your fault.”

“I don’t think- fuck this _is_ my fault. I mean it’s _my_ name, Janus-”

“I fucking did this to myself, it’s my fault. I didn’t have to, it’s not like you forced me to.”

“Where’s your First Aid Kit?”

Janus pointed to the closet and Virgil grabbed it. They stung as he cleaned them, stung as he wrapped them.

“Why did you come?”

“Well, I was going to tell you that I didn’t hate you, just… mildly disliked you. Well, was annoyed by you. I don’t know but the point is that I really kinda actually miss you. A lot. And Remus, too, but… I wanted to tell you individually.”

“You… miss me?”

“...Yeah. God I sound so dumb and roman- dumb and emotional, I sound dumb and emotional!” His cheeks flushed red beneath his foundation.

_Roman… tic? No, he- his face, though._

“I… um, I missed you too. Also a lot. Considering the, uh,” he gestured towards his bandages.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I- I could’ve stopped this. I should’ve-”

Janus grabbed his hands, like he used to when Virgil started getting anxious. He was warm, much warmer than Remus ever was, and he silently wondered how warm his cheeks were.

“It’s okay, Virgil. None of this is your fault, I did it even before-”

Janus stopped himself, but Virgil had already understood.

“You did this _before_ I left?! And you didn’t _tell_ me?!? Janus, I could have helped you! Did you think I wouldn’t, you fucking dumbass? I- I care about you.”

“I’m sorry, it- it didn’t seem so bad when I first did it, and I said it would just be that one time, those two times, those three, and… it wasn’t.”

Winston meowed, interrupting the moment. Virgil’s face softened a little at him, releasing Janus’s hand to stroke his fur.

“Not going to comfort me, Virgil?”

“Hey- okay, we haven’t talked in months, so I don’t… really know what I should do.”

“I know it’s been a long time, but… what about cuddling? Like we used to.”

Virgil edged towards him tentatively, threading his arms through Janus’s, allowing him to lean towards his chest. He wriggled in his grip, turning his back at Virgil’s chest instead. Virgil’s heart fluttered as Janus relaxed. The anxious side tightened his hold around his stomach, nestling his head into his shoulder, a familiar and old feeling. Janus really had forgotten how warm he was.

They stayed there, Janus eventually dozing off. He must not have slept well the previous night. Virgil remembered how often he’d wake up, often from nightmares, asking to sit with his friend until he fell asleep again. Virgil would carry him back to bed, his face so peaceful, his hair sometimes falling over his eyes. He used to wiggle when Virgil would brush it away, his face scrunching ever so slightly.

He heaved Janus into his arms, smiling as his head fell against his chest. A warm, lovely feeling filled him, something he remembered sometimes, missing it almost as much as the other side himself.

This time, though, he didn’t leave Janus to head back to his own room, yawning with a residual smile on his face. Instead, he pulled the blankets over both of them, amazed at himself for doing any of this. He’d never stopped thinking about Janus, though, missing him, loving him, so perhaps it wasn’t as odd as he thought. The deceitful side crawled closer to Virgil, sinking his head into his hoodie.

No matter how much the other sides saw that they seemed to hate each other, they had never stopped loving each other.


End file.
